'Nigel,hat tip IMA5U and The City
I have got to say that I think you have been rather less than even-handed in the way that you handled our small disagreement last week about how employees should conduct themselves in (and out of) the workplace. And being placed on suspension by that sycophantic loser in HR was just too much; if he was just a bit taller, I would have punched him!
Before I go to the expense of hiring a lawyer (again), I thought that it would make sense to send you a brief e-mail outlining the events as seen from my viewpoint, which will hopefully result in me being restored to my position as Head of Commodities Trading.
Let me start by confirming that you were correct that I misled you when I claimed my recent two-week unauthorized leave of absence was caused by me going down with the H1N1 flu virus; there was no virus and there was no quarantine. Having said that, and in my defence, I did have a very heavy cold. And, although I know that it looks bad that I returned to the office with what appeared to be a healthy sun-tan, I am disappointed that you chose not to accept my explanation that I had simply fallen asleep while under a sun-bed.
I would also like to point out that I do fully understand the firm's expenses policy, and would like to restate that the bill, resulting from the recent bash I organised for my team and a few clients at that adult entertainment club, was not paid for out of our TARP pot - it came from the internal 'errors and omissions' account which was set-up for this purpose. I would also like to reassure you that I paid out of my own pocket for the services of Benny ('the Giant'), the midget who turned-up to provide the dwarf-tossing entertainment; I even picked up the tab for his hospital care following his unfortunate accident at the party. In hindsight, I do accept, however, that I probably shouldn't have hired that elephant from the circus. Having said this, it was hardly my fault that the animal was old and very short-sighted. And Benny was asking for it by sitting down on his break so close to the beast.
I'd also like to clear up the matter of me trading over my limits and mispricing my asset book. Let me first point out that, when I did this and made a shed-load of money a couple of years back, you promoted me. It seems a bit harsh, then, to use this against me now, just because I got caught short with that oil hedge and lost $564m. OK, I admit that hiding these losses was a bit silly, but it's not my fault that those dumb-asses in Compliance took 9 months to uncover what I had done - that should not be held against ME.
Anyway, now that I've been able to clarify the key points, I trust that we can get back to normal. Unfortunately, I won't be able to return to the office for at least 3 weeks, as I promised Benny I'd take him to Thailand for some fun (the ladyboys apparently get-off big time on midgets over there. And Benny is so excited, he seems almost to have forgot that he got squashed by the elephant). Oh, and if you need a proper tally of my trading book for the auditors, it's hidden in a file on my computer. The file's called 'Losses', and the password is 'Bonus'.
See you soon.
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